January 27, 2012

Maybe it’s the lack-of-sleep talking but, sometimes I get scared.  I can’t imagine my life without Andrew in it.  Even if I just think about it, I feel a deep despair start to grow inside me.  I begin to feel an everlasting emptiness.  And you know, it hurts all the same.  Imagined or not, it kills me because I’ve had a taste of what it’s like to lose him before.  A lot of times actually.  The thought of it picks at the scabs of those memories.

And I feel like he’ll never really understand the way I love him.  I keep thinking to myself that never again will I allow gaps in our relationship.  Not even a hair’s width.  I feel like it’s my duty alone to make sure there’s no room from anyone else to wedge their way into his life— into ours.

And I wish he really did love me the way I so selfishly want, because that’s the way I love him.  I need that reciprocity.  Could he give up his dreams, his family, his friends, all else and everything… for me?  If I woke up one day wanting to run away, discard our life now and start one brand new, would he go with me?  I dream of it a lot.  An irrational romance.  For some reason, in my mind

the greater the sacrifice, the greater the love.